Mens 6s
Introduction
Every team is of course made up of players, but who are the stars that turned out week in, week out, for the mighty West Hamsptead Men 6s over the 2008/09 season – to see them through to promotion?!?
Here’s a little run down of the Mens Sixes Squad that was…
Goalkeeper
Tom Rigby – Riggers
The signing of Riggers as custodian of the West Hampstead 6s’ goal proved an astute acquisition by Captain McDougall. After a traumatising experience playing for the 5s, Riggers soon found his rightful home, making an instant impact with 5 successive clean sheets which set the foundation for our promising start to the season. This dark blue stopper marshalled and patrolled the ‘D’ like Peter Shilton used to prior to his alcohol and gambling addictions, clattering into opposition forwards, tipping balls round the post, heading clearances and barking no-frills instructions to his teammates – “Come on Hampstead, this is f*&#ing w*#k” being a good example (Aylesbury Away).
Riggers is also responsible for a lot of the good work we do on the left wing. Without the 24 hour care that he provides to young Ashley (packing and washing kit, putting him on the right train, taking care of his mother…) we would pretty much have been a man short in this position on many weekends.
Defenders
Cormac Connolly – Coco
Don’t be put off by the industrial gait, the economy of movement, and the gentle wheeze under exertion – this man is a true athlete. As often left back at home as he was left back on pitch, Cormac is an impact player through and through. Trying to hold the defensive line without Cormac’s steely nerve surging-up the left flank is often as futile as Arthur’s attempts to grow hair. Tough tackling and legendary distribution combined with a turn of pace so fast that he can skin a man and return to where he was originally standing in a flash (blink and you’ll miss it!) make for the complete defensive package. A grinder, a grafter, the rock, scurge of right wing forwards, hero to many, saviour of few… I give you Cormac Connolly.
David Edwards – Sumo
Some say he has larger breasts than Lolo Ferrari. Some say he eats centre forwards for breakfast (it certainly looks like he does). All we know is that Big Dave is fat lad who eats too much, smokes too many fags and has an alcohol problem. Yes Big Dave is the legendary 6s sweeper. With a juggernaught-like physique he scares the hell out of even the toughest of oppositions (just ask the young chap from Eastcote!).
A consumate sportsman, he is a professional both on and off the pitch. His warm up routine of Benson & Hedges rivals that of the great Serge Blanco. His warm-down routine of fags, ale and 4-letter expletives rivals that of the great Bernard Manning. On the pitch, Dave is famous for his majestic and graceful second half forrays (*nore-bleeds) into the opposition’s half, his mad dashes back to defend having lost the ball and his 10 minute recovery! All said and done, Big Dave is a true gent. We love you Dave.
James Masson
(Profile missing… come on lads – who was supposed to write James up?)
Russell Miller
A power-house defender, as comfortable behind men as he is in front of them, Russell was schooled in hockey at Loughbrough, surrounded by some of the sport’s greats. This upbringing has translated itself into a harsh-no-nonsense approach, with the occasional strop at the injustice of being fouled. A hard worker around the pitch, he’s always in the mix when it comes to voting for the man of the match. Last season saw less appearances after a “forced” sojourn to the north with work, and more notably, being cuckolded by the demanding Mrs, who needs his companionship more than the mighty sixes…shame on you Russell!
David McDougall – Bruno
What can one say about Dave? He held the very dubious “honour” of captaining this rag tag bunch of vagabonds, pissheads, potheads, jokers and pokers (trier in Ashley’s case, but mind you keep backs to the wall in case he gets confused!!). A true gentleman in the midst of chaos off the field, a man who the phrase “laid back” just doesn’t do justice! Yet, step onto the battlefield, and out comes a real tiger…well…Tasmanian devil anyway – a fantastic engine covering the whole pitch, while his head and body are spinning faster than the eye can see! A leader born in the depths of those dark days, only two short seasons ago, when the sixes were but a dream…a shadow…a glint in the opposition’s eye…well normally a team short of several players every week!! Like a Phoenix (the bird, not the team we condemned to demotion last season hehehe!!) from the ashes, he moulded a side worthy of promotion – and promoted we were!
Viv Vallance – Lothario
A consumate professional who’s normally mild-mannered, our “Viv” has been known to snap, in fact going so far as to shoulder charge the opposition. Behind his quiet exterior lies the beating heart of a hockey Latino, passionate about his sport, and about doing well. Not afraid to swear when it goes tits up, he’s also a rather qualified umpire. Viv had a hockey renaissance after being nominated for a host of MOM awards throughout the season. Viv’s only negative quality is his glow-in-the-dark cycling gear, which means you can often see him coming a mile away, not unlike his forward forays in hockey!
Midfielders
Nick Barnett
On the surface Nick seems to be a nice bloke…
Nick has been known to become frustrated during games, particularly when being heckled from the sideline by the 7s, which resulted in the “F*&ck off Ben!” incident. Nick is also a member of the Jewish mafia and threatens to set them on anyone that does him or his Yaris wrong……is that a knock at the door???
Gareth Gainer – el Diavolo
The newest recruit to the team, Gareth is a one of the West Hampstead veterans. A life-long member of the club, his world revolves around hockey. He coached the ladies 2nd XI (single boys take note – there are a couple of fitties!!), he umpires on a regular basis, and he has now risen to the dizzy heights of the Mens 6s.?
A sturdy midfielder, he is an aggressive player who will never shy away from confrontation (I could name several of his confrontations, if the price is right…..!!!).
Gareth is one of the most highly rated players in the club (according to Gareth), and as a fat boy from Wales has achieved a lot – he is a former Chairman of the hockey club, a former team captain and a Ladies man… he was also one of the select few to make up “The Magnificent Seven” – where he briefly, but most assuredly, unleashed his beer monkey…
The Sixes are expecting great things from Gareth in the 2009/10 season
Ali Keith – Captain…my captain
Ali Keith brings pace, guile and dribbling skills to the team and was indeed a revelation last season. His hard work over ‘08 summer, jogging on Hampstead Heath with Liam Gallagher, paid off and his improved fitness enabled him to make a few of those scoring opportunities count duing the 08/09 season. He was regularly nominated for Man of the Match awards, and had such an impressive season that he was voted Captain for 2009/10. He’ll be revelling in his form on the pitch.
Off the pitch, not much is known about Ali, although he makes up for this by talking to himself very loudly…Nutter!
Jim Keith
Jim is one of the team’s finest players. A perfect blend of youthful exuberance combined with fox-like dexterity make him the stalwart in the centre of our midfield. His silky passing and strength in the tackle make him a formidable opponent for even the toughest of oppositions. Off the pitch Jim has interests in topiary, campanology and philately. He is currently of “single” status, although there are rumours he may be more than just a brother to Ali.
Arthur Paxton – Grumpo/Paxto
A legend within the team (and indeed the club), Arthur Paxton dominates the opposition with a combination of nifty skill, an eye for goal, a knack for the dramatic… and really ridiculous shorts. How good would he be if he didn’t keep tripping over them?
An enthusiastic proponent of moving the ball to the left, Arthur can sometime even be found staying over that side. Like a fine wine, Arthur appears to be improving with age… and when you consider that he is rumoured to have debuted at the Ancient Olympics, his big lead at the top of the sixes Statpal-League table for most of the season becomes easier to understand…
Andy Wyber
By virtue of being the only player from overseas (Australia), Andy Wyber is West 6’s star overseas player. And by virtue of the only other foreigner in the team coming from the Fens, this means that he brings a touch of exoticism to the team. Australia… Exoticism… A stretch perhaps. But certainly what Andy brings to the midfield is dogged determination and his Antipodean skills brought a number of matches back from the brink. Typical of his outlook is coming off the pitch with blood dripping from both knees only to proclaim that “our midfield was shit, myself included and we need to put in more effort”. He was of course right (about the rest of the midfield).
Attackers
James Aldridge – Edgar/Edgario
James Aldridge – who is he? That was the question being asked for the first few weeks in the 6s. It turned out Aldridge was (and is) actually ‘Edgar’. Edgar is a mild-mannered man who’s never touched a drop of alcohol in his life – ALL LIES – in fact he is a very, very, angry man and borderline alcoholic. He gets extremely aggrieved when people vote him as DOD and has been known “on occasion” (every occasion) to shout obscenities at everyone who votes him for the award. He is also an avid collector of goal assists when nobody can remember who actually set the goal up. This is why you will find him at the top of almost every goal assist Statpal table going back to 1899. Edgar’s other interests included stamp collecting, ornithology, campanology, bestiality, cheese (smeg) rolling, and breasts.
Tim Gower
The man from Watford has been an ever present member of the 6’s, since being found wandering the streets around Vicarage Road looking for left over kebab by Bruno (whilst he was looking for a razor) during the 07/08 season and during 08/09 proved deadly to opposition defences.
Tim is possibly the only member of the side who has never been heard to swear, and has even been heard to say “That’s just not Cricket” to one of Dave Edwards blasts from the defence.
In fact, it is genuinely thought that, during the week, Tim is a monk living a simple life, surviving on nothing more that growth hormones to make him taller (or perhaps Arthur is just shrinking next to him – we can’t be sure) and a thesaurus to expand his vocabulary.
The final thing to say about Tim is that there is no kinder fellow in the 6’s – not that that means much compared to the rest of the team.
Edward Hugo – Frodo
Hobbit and serial internet/text pest. First impressions – dressed in knee-britches, shirt, waistcoast and jacket; pretty typical for Shire-Folk. He was unarmed, save for a stick with a wee curve at one end.
Frodo was drafted into the team after displaying a non-chalant but effective talent for scoring goals, with said stick, in the Sevens. Alas, having moved into the Sixes he was somewhat slow to continue demonstrating that talent…
Whatever you do, don’t ask to see his ring!
Ashley Osborne
With his spikey blond hair and boyish good looks, Ashley was the pretty boy of the team last season; the classic example of an English public school boy – well spoken (notwithstanding profuse bouts of plummy swearing), well presented, but generally thick as sh!t. He works hard pacing the left flank, and can always be found surging into the D when the ball is being whipped in from the right. Indeed Edgar would have racked up over 100 assists if Ash had even the smallest amount of composure under pressure…
